Mandatory Rules On: Talking to Authors

A bunch of people go "oh my gosh, Nova. You're such an extraordinary, chill person when it comes to authors. Like, they practically flock to you, demanding to be reviewed on this site." And obviously, I'll smile and go, "I know, right?"

So, of course, I'm going to give away my secret; after all, I'm super generous and not at all egotistical.In fact, being humble is one of my best qualities.

1. Do not follow back on social media sites.
   This is one of the most important things. I can't stress this enough. Authors, like the bad boys they write about, all want what they can't have. Do not follow them back, when they follow you. Don't even acknowledge their follow!
2. Tag them in the reviews you publish.
   You want to get your reviews out to the public, yes? Well, for starters, have a twitter account with a few thousand followers. If you don't, you aren't worthy of any author attention. Tweet the link to any and all reviews. It doesn't matter if the review is five stars or one [don't ever give an author a five star review! They don't deserve your highest praise.] but make sure you tag the author. You want them to see your thoughts because your opinion is pretty much the law.
   Let the author bask in their glory or shame. Because if you don't like their book, that's what they're going to feel.
3. Openly tweet them an ARC Request.I know some of you are thinking, "don’t you ask for ARCs through the publisher?" Those rules only apply to small book bloggers. Once you're mega-popular, authors will be begging you to take their book and rip it to shreds.
   Also, when you openly tweet them, you're making a public statement, so they can't say no. All the other people who follow you will be eagerly awaiting the author to bend over backwards to satisfy your bookish needs.
4. Suggest events that should happen in the author's sequel.
   This is even better for a book you don't like. The author would love to know what you would put in the second book because they want to please you. It's like you're an all knowing overlord and they're in need of your knowledge. Make sure you suggest things that are not cliche, like student/teacher relationships! Don't forget to tweet them even if they don't ask for your opinion; that just means that they're too shy to ask and you're making their job easier.
5. Ask them to read your work.
   Well, duh; you're an awesome and extraordinary blogger so you must also be an author. And what better way to fish for compliments, I mean, improve, than ask real published authors? Make sure you really push your book on them. Like, bug them 24/7 about it and they're sure to give in!
   Important note: If they read it and decide to give it less than four stars, blacklist the author. Obviously any author who thinks your work is less than amazing is just jealous. 
   
   
6. Stake your claim over the boy [or girl] in their book and make sure the author gives you a legal document signing said character over to your possession.
   This is not a joke. At all. Some characters are just too amazing to share. Why share anyway? Sharing is completely ridiculous, especially when it's a hot character. You can do this by ambushing an author in a signing, sending a lot of emails or tweeting incessantly. However, don't follow them to their house or blackmail them; it's beneath you.
   [Serious note: Do NOT under ANY circumstances, stalk or harass an author. I write these posts as a joke and I've been using sarcastic the whole time but I mean this very seriously.]
7. Remember that they're authors, not real people.
   When authors tweet about anything other than their books, you have to raise an eyebrow. Don't engage in conversation about real life with authors. It's all part of their evil master plan [it's so evil that I'm not even sure what the goal is... yet.] I have a theory that they're robots who are developing a blogger mind control serum so we only give them good reviews.
8. When they reply to your personal tweets, question their motives.
   They most likely want to get on your good side so you promote them on your super popular blog. Don't trust them! Also, traditionally published and indie authors are fair game. There's a stereotype on how indie authors are more desperate than trad. ones but that isn't true! Don't trust any authors. They all want a piece of you.[I wrote the second last sentence of this point on purpose; will address it at the bottom. It's important.]
9. Harshly critique their signature and complain if it's ugly.
   This is actually something that a lot of people don't know too much about. When you talk to an author or get a signed book from them, make an effort to tweet them about a signature. Some authors have terrible penmanship which RUINS the entire page that they sign on. Because who cares if a book is amazing if the author's signature is anything less than a work of art? And like all the other critique points, the author will appreciate your honesty!
10. Never, ever use capital letters in your tweets or... dare I say it, talk about your feels!
    Talking about how much you love an author's book or talking about your feels is a weakness. It makes you look like you love the author and so, your readers will be compelled to buy the book. This is a method of self preservation for you because if a reader ends up buying the book and not liking it, they will blame you. Be safe rather than sorry and don't tell authors how much your love their work so no one else will blame you if they don't.

Now that the sarcasm is done, let's get to some real stuff. I just want to address that I realize these types of posts can easily be taken the wrong way. This is a post on how bloggers can take advantage of authors and how they can be very unprofessional. Don't do any of this; in fact, do the complete opposite because this is the douchebag thing to do.

And I cannot stress this enough: bloggers are not better than authors. Similarly, authors are not better than bloggers. It's a give and receive system. If there were no authors, book bloggers would be obsolete; if there were no bloggers... well, I don't even want to think about what that would be like.

Also, to address the thing from Point #8. There's an idea  that indie authors less than the trad. published in terms of writing skill. I think it's complete bull and I'm going to stop here because I'll be making a rant for that.