Mandatory Rules On: Writing Reviews

I've recently been told that I'm an awesome reviewer by a few of my adoring fans. Thank you, thank you. *collects roses* I know I'm fabulous, but still, it's nice that others acknowledge it.

Today, I will be sharing my secret with the rest of the world. What makes me such an amazing reviewer? I hope you can learn a thing or two since you're obviously not as smart as I am.

1. Don't edit.
   Remember! The main part of blogging is to be "genuine." This means that no editing is allowed at all! If you do, other bloggers will be able to smell it [they've got Dog level senses] and they will shame you for all eternity.


2. Spell check? More like autocorrect.
   Don't worry about your spelling. Autocorrect will take care of that for you. And if you're on computer and don't have autocorrect, well, you snooze, you lose! Remember, refer to #1.


3. Gifs are the enemy.
   You've seen all the Kirkus reviews and the top critics. Which top critic actually uses gifs? Fact: gifs make you look amateur. No one's going to take you seriously if you've got TV show gifs, and bad ones at that. [Oh my gosh, if I see another #Bellrk gif, I'm going to lose it. Like what is #Bellrk, anyway?!]


4. Five sentences per paragraph.
   No more, no less. You need this much to be successful. Remember that everyone's successful for the same reason. Also make sure to justify your paragraphs. You wouldn't want to become gutsy and make your reviews look different from others'.


5. All the spoilers.
   Did you expect this one? HA, too bad! When you're writing a review, remember that you're writing your thoughts. This means that you don't need to be considerate in the least to those who haven't read the books. It's their fault for clicking on your review and they have only themselves to blame. Also, make sure that you talk about the good spoilers, like who dies and who ends up getting married!
   In addition, Elicia @ Girl in the Woods Reviews [one of my many fans] suggests to add spoilery quotes, which is a good idea. But she doesn't get any credit for it because it's being posted on my blog.


6. Swearing.
   You must not swear. Ever. Swearing is the Devil's language and must be abolished. It also makes you look amateur. Like, ugh, you are so not dignified. You and your mouth that needs to be filled with soap. Also don't mention God or Jesus because that's using the Lord's name in vain.


7. Hyperbole it!
   Hyperbole... big word, huh? I learned it in English class but I already knew it before because I'm such a brainiac like that. I mean, I have a 101% in English. Anyway, this point means to exaggerate it. If it's a five star rating, make it sound like an infinity stars [infinity stars is stupid... like who has that rating?] If it's a one star, make it sound as if it's the lowest of the low. Bring the book and leave it to wallow in its own shame.


8. Quantity is better than quality.
   Connected to the last point, when you're exaggerating, make sure you've got a good length. This means at least two thousand words. Why would anyone want to read a short review? They aren't helpful... AT ALL! Like people want to know what you think of the book, right down to the core. Remember that you can never write too much.


9. Stay as emotionless as you can.
   Even if you are ranting about a one star book and trying to make the reader feel your anger, do not use emotion. Sound like an impossible task? That's why only the top of the top book bloggers can achieve this status. You have to remain calm at all times, even if what you mean comes with seething anger. Also do not fangirl. Fangirling is showing weakness and you cannot afford that.


10. Be formal, professional, dignified.
    Never use contractions, mainly. Like, you aren't gangster so slang is unacceptable. No one should use slang, it's completely obscene. Also, make sure your word choice is regal. Words like "DNF" and "feelsy" are not real. Remember that. If there's a red line underneath your words, you made a faux pas. However, if you did, you're completely out of luck because you can't edit! See point #1.

This post came because Elicia [who gave me the idea in point #5] and I were talking on twitter. I couldn't have done it without her. Thanks so much, girl! Anyway, reviews, like almost everything are up to the blogger. Reviews don't have to be stiff and formal. Use as many gifs as you want, talk like you're from a magical land and please, please, please use your emotion. Being "different" is such a great thing, even though it might not always seem like it.