I've always considered the possibility that we can be different people depending on who we're with or how we feel in the moment. It's like the many faces of the moon... or the different shades of grey. [Well, this is going to be a serious post - I might as well slip in a joke early on.]
Picture a girl with a group of friends in the mall. The entire group is loud, brash and a bunch of swear words are being passed around every so often. You might hear words that make you question where these kids' parents are. Stay long enough and you might hear them start to gossip about people they hate. But what you don't know is that the girl in the middle hates the rest of the people. She's only using them because they do things for her and provide company.
Now picture a girl in class. She's watching Netflix while the teacher talks. She doesn't talk to everyone; rather, she pretty much hates the people she has to breathe the same air as six hours, five days a week.
Hi, my name is Amelia and what you've visualized is me from two years ago.
Has your perception of me changed yet? Thoroughly disgusted? I would be too. I'm not proud of the things I've done but in a society where it's assimilate or be cast out, we do what we have to. Growing up was rough with people who took advantage of kindness so I flipped to the other extreme.
Now picture a girl who spends late nights creating an author/blogger love project because she cares about her community. This is a girl who welcomes newbies with open arms and talks to everyone on twitter, no matter their follower count/status/age. She's all about making people feel love and feeling the love just by good deeds. She isn't the biggest blogger but that won't stop her from trying to make the most friends and being overall well-liked.
Is that the person you're accustomed with? Nova?
Before blogging, Amelia was terrorizing everything. Things were just getting worse and worse and then... I read the book This Song Will Save Your Life. In that book, the main character spends the entire novel trying to find herself and reinvent herself. Whenever I read a book that I have a personal connection with, the first instinct is to write a song. For this book, I took things one step further.
Truth is, there's no satisfaction in being a bitch. It might be 'funny' at first but once the clouds separate, you see your actions for what they are: hurtful. But I've been doing it for so long and as much as it kills to admit it, Amelia's personality took over everything.
So when it comes to blogging, I get focus on the better side of me. And I think that to keep me balanced, I need this. I constantly get told to stop blogging so much, but I think blogging is the only reason I'm not insane. And blogging is the only reason why I can say that my self esteem as gone from -1,000,000 to 5. 5 isn't a high number but at least I'm out of the negatives.
But I took it one step further: I assigned myself a name. I could've looked up a ton of baby names but that's obviously too mainstream for me. Try not to cringe as you read the next paragraph.
So when I was twelve, I was really into Twilight Fanfictions even though I didn't like Twilight too much. To be honest, some of those fanfics are so different from the original plot, making them novels that could pretty much stand on their own. I was browsing through an archive and I found this. It's a story in which Edward and Bella are actors who play characters named Zaiden and Novalee. So I merged them, split Novalee and BAM.
I'm actually so haunted at this story but I love my name. Truth be told, I don't know what Nova means. I don't really care either. Maybe a Nova from the past was To me, Nova means change. Nova means being kind for more reasons than getting something in return. It symbolizes hope that someone who was stuck as a bully can become something more than the inferiority they feel. It proves that even the worst people can change and that no matter how out of practice we are, the ability to love never really leaves us.
Nova is imperfect; she'll continue to screw up and learn and that's exactly why she's the only person I want to be.