Hi guys, this is something I've been trying to put off until now. I had it written and saved as a draft inside my brain for God knows how long. Like a lot of bloggers, I really wanted the chance to talk about my 2014 year but there were just no opportunities for me. Things happened last year that made my life pretty hell and in a way, I don't wish for anything to change at all.
So many people tell me that I should look at the present, not the past and I don't agree with that. I feel like we need to look at our pasts to see how far we've come and to learn from the mistakes we've made. We shouldn't dwell on our pasts but we should NEVER forget the impact it had on us, good or bad.
I'm not even sure that I want to say all this stuff, but I'm writing it down so I can't back out. I need to get this off my chest and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
[compared to a lot of people, my problems are so minuscule but it affected me in a way where I turned it into a really big mess.]
For those who don't know, back in 2013-2014, I started eighth grade. And I don't know what yours was like but mine was full of drama. More specifically, my class. No other class had as many problems as mine.
First off, someone decided to start "pairing" the boys and girls in our class with each other and by march, there was a divide between the guys and girls because no one wanted the predictions of who they "liked" to be true. I participated in the "pairing" thing because I was afraid to be made fun of. I didn't do it a lot, but I still did it. It's one of the things I regret.
Next off, my teacher gave me so much hell that I had a breakdown. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this but maybe on a smaller scale. I was just so tired of her because the lady is so illogical and whenever I say something [politely, too, might I add], she found her way of undermining me and it made me feel so bad.
Lastly, this relates back to the first topic, I had a crush on a person. This person seemed really nice and he treated me like I wasn't just someone to push around. I'm really insecure about myself so when a person comes around being nice, what am I supposed to do? [I'm not this way anymore, what happened after completely wrecked me.]
This person was so great. We talked a lot and just had a good time. It would've been fine but then people started noticing and they "paired" us together and that's when he started to grow distant. I had no intention of boyfriends or loves or anything. It was all innocent. I knew my feelings and they were ones I would never act on. I mean, I was thirteen; what's supposed to happen?
But I guess he was just as insecure as me, if not more. One day, we were talking during class and a group of his [not so nice] friends appeared and made a really nasty comment. It was something like, "DUDEEE! Do you like her or something?" Boys are obnoxious so that one comment had the attention of the entire class by now and I wanted to disappear. [Note: I am still a really insecure eighth grader.]
Those who were on twitter when I tweeted it, you know what happens next. He turned to me and I swear, I didn't recognize him. He said something along the lines of, "Ugh! HER? I could never like a person who would flatten me if they sat on me."
And, I kid you not, that one small comment, destroyed me.\
But then everyone changed their attention for my reaction. I could've then and there hospitalized him but that would've had serious repercussions. Sometimes, I think about what would've happened. I could've cried but that would've messed up my makeup and created a scene. I could've even told a teacher, then and there, but I didn't. Instead, I did this.
I stopped blogging, I stopped music, I even stopped talking as much. I no longer felt okay about myself. I've always danced between the line of okay and not and this person's comment PUSHED ME OVER.
I wish I could say that after a week, I had a revelation where I realized my worth. I didn't. Even now, as I'm writing this, I realize that there's still a part of me that liked how kind he was to me. And maybe it was all fake but it was nice.
Nice is different than good. -Into the Woods
I want to turn the table and say that there are things that made 2014 worthwhile. After September, things started changing. I went to a great high school and obviously, there are still some terrible people, but I'm so much more free now. There are people who share my interests and don't know about what happened in eighth grade.
So I'll be with these people for the next three and a half years. That's why I intend on making 2015 a great year. If I can make my freshman year a great year, it'll make the rest of my high school years a lot easier.
And that's all I want; to have a great time.
2014 was pretty shot, but that just means I have a lot more to look forward to. And I'm going to say wholeheartedly that if someone were to make fun of my weight again, I wouldn't react the same way as I did. I don't want to say I made a drastic change, but I think I'm stronger as a person. So yeah, I'm a lot better!
And if you're still reading, you have no idea how much it means to me. I don't know how 2015 is going to go but life is unpredictable and I intend to make the most of that unpredictability. There's not enough time to try to control everything and have things go your way. I've learned that. Just go with the flow and find a way to be happy within the chaos.
So many people tell me that I should look at the present, not the past and I don't agree with that. I feel like we need to look at our pasts to see how far we've come and to learn from the mistakes we've made. We shouldn't dwell on our pasts but we should NEVER forget the impact it had on us, good or bad.
I'm not even sure that I want to say all this stuff, but I'm writing it down so I can't back out. I need to get this off my chest and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
[compared to a lot of people, my problems are so minuscule but it affected me in a way where I turned it into a really big mess.]
For those who don't know, back in 2013-2014, I started eighth grade. And I don't know what yours was like but mine was full of drama. More specifically, my class. No other class had as many problems as mine.
First off, someone decided to start "pairing" the boys and girls in our class with each other and by march, there was a divide between the guys and girls because no one wanted the predictions of who they "liked" to be true. I participated in the "pairing" thing because I was afraid to be made fun of. I didn't do it a lot, but I still did it. It's one of the things I regret.
Next off, my teacher gave me so much hell that I had a breakdown. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this but maybe on a smaller scale. I was just so tired of her because the lady is so illogical and whenever I say something [politely, too, might I add], she found her way of undermining me and it made me feel so bad.
Lastly, this relates back to the first topic, I had a crush on a person. This person seemed really nice and he treated me like I wasn't just someone to push around. I'm really insecure about myself so when a person comes around being nice, what am I supposed to do? [I'm not this way anymore, what happened after completely wrecked me.]
This person was so great. We talked a lot and just had a good time. It would've been fine but then people started noticing and they "paired" us together and that's when he started to grow distant. I had no intention of boyfriends or loves or anything. It was all innocent. I knew my feelings and they were ones I would never act on. I mean, I was thirteen; what's supposed to happen?
But I guess he was just as insecure as me, if not more. One day, we were talking during class and a group of his [not so nice] friends appeared and made a really nasty comment. It was something like, "DUDEEE! Do you like her or something?" Boys are obnoxious so that one comment had the attention of the entire class by now and I wanted to disappear. [Note: I am still a really insecure eighth grader.]
Those who were on twitter when I tweeted it, you know what happens next. He turned to me and I swear, I didn't recognize him. He said something along the lines of, "Ugh! HER? I could never like a person who would flatten me if they sat on me."
And, I kid you not, that one small comment, destroyed me.\
But then everyone changed their attention for my reaction. I could've then and there hospitalized him but that would've had serious repercussions. Sometimes, I think about what would've happened. I could've cried but that would've messed up my makeup and created a scene. I could've even told a teacher, then and there, but I didn't. Instead, I did this.
 |
| the laughing is my outside, the crying is my inside. |
I wish I could say that after a week, I had a revelation where I realized my worth. I didn't. Even now, as I'm writing this, I realize that there's still a part of me that liked how kind he was to me. And maybe it was all fake but it was nice.
Nice is different than good. -Into the Woods
I want to turn the table and say that there are things that made 2014 worthwhile. After September, things started changing. I went to a great high school and obviously, there are still some terrible people, but I'm so much more free now. There are people who share my interests and don't know about what happened in eighth grade.
So I'll be with these people for the next three and a half years. That's why I intend on making 2015 a great year. If I can make my freshman year a great year, it'll make the rest of my high school years a lot easier.
And that's all I want; to have a great time.
2014 was pretty shot, but that just means I have a lot more to look forward to. And I'm going to say wholeheartedly that if someone were to make fun of my weight again, I wouldn't react the same way as I did. I don't want to say I made a drastic change, but I think I'm stronger as a person. So yeah, I'm a lot better!
And if you're still reading, you have no idea how much it means to me. I don't know how 2015 is going to go but life is unpredictable and I intend to make the most of that unpredictability. There's not enough time to try to control everything and have things go your way. I've learned that. Just go with the flow and find a way to be happy within the chaos.
Reading this made me so angry! I want to stomp over there and break that asshole's nose. People are despicable! I know how it feels to have people say mean things like that, and it definitely takes an emotional toll. My 4th through 8th grade years were so awful that I honestly don't remember any of it because I repressed it.
ReplyDeleteBut the fact that his comment was the catalyst that set those things into motion really pisses me off. I had a friend in high school, and one day the gym teacher called her fat. Fast forward several years, she weighs 90 lbs and is in the hospital because she refuses to eat. She struggled with anorexia for 8 years, and as far as I know she still is. Because of that one offhanded comment. I really don't think people realize the impact their words can make, no matter how infinitesimal it may seem to them.
I really hope 2015 is a better year for you, and I'm glad to have you back! Oh, and don't listen to idiots. You are a beautiful young woman that is full of personality. You know what I think? They're just jealous because they don't have one of those (personalities or a beautiful woman haha!) ;)
<3 you bloggy niece!