This is one of those posts that kind of gnawed at me until I was forced to write it down. If you've seen my twitter, you'll know that I'm having a stupid moment that factored into making me leave blogging in the first place.
Like really? I just wanted to have a good time and I'm already having issues.
The idea of "Blogging Limbo" is what I want to call something I've seen a lot of people tweeting about. I'm sure there's a real term for this somewhere but I'm just going to go with what I've made up.
When a person is in Limbo, it means they are neither dead nor alive. "Blogging Limbo" refers to running a blog but not really feeling active on social media and such. It's like someone who actively posts but then there are no readers. The blogger has a cardboard personality and it ends up being no fun for anyone.
Those of you who didn't see the post, I came back from a close to six month hiatus because of ...reasons. These reasons included lack of interest, school and a bunch of other things, some of which I can't explain. And it's normal; even though I left, the world keeps turning which is why I'm stuck in this position.
I'm starting to maintain my blog again but then there aren't as many visitors as I used to get. But that isn't even the part that hurt. The more I look at my blog, the more I realize that I'm the cardboard cutout. My posts have always lacked some kind of feeling or purpose. This led to me feeling insignificant because I see a bunch of blogs that [may or may not] get a lot of readers due to the fact that they're genuine. And even though the readers aren't the main goal, I realized how closed off I've always been.
And why should that have to be? It's a blog! I'm supposed to get personal, get ranty and get feelsy; I can do whatever I want!
Truth is, I've never truly felt security with who I am and I think that started creeping in my blog. When I started blogging, I saw other designs and thought, "why can't this be my blog?" And though that isn't a problem anymore, I struggled with envy of others for a while. My personal issues have since changed to things like when people tweet about how much they love their blogging friends and I feel like I don't have any. Worst part is that it isn't even true! I know I'm a total loner, there are people I care for and who care for me in return but for me, a negative thought can tear down a thousand positive ones.
So now I'm in limbo.
I can stay cardboard or come to life. Either way, it's going to take a lot of work and acceptance. There's always been a subconscious reason I haven't been open and I want to change that. You guys are family to me and I don't want to hide things from you.
So my goal is start writing more personal posts. And I don't mean it as a just a "2015 goal." I mean it as a therapy; something that might just end up making me feel okay about my blog and me as a person.
I don't think my insecurity will ever fade so I'll do what a lot of people are scared to do: embrace it. And after that, I hope it will become a part of me, equal to the part that's fearless as anything.